I’m writing this simply because I’m tired of explaining it over and over again any time I post to the subreddits for depression, mental illness and suicide.

I’ve decided I’m simply going to use my reddit account as more of a journal just talking about what I’m experiencing, rather than go into this litany of disappointment and failure that is my life, and why I am where I am currently in life.

Just to keep things simple.. I’ll keep things pretty chronological, but just for reference, I’m currently 37, male, and live in the united states.

I was a high school pregnancy surprise/mistake. After I was born, my father bailed before I was a month old. My grandparents raised me because my mother wasn’t fit to do so. My grandfather was a good guy. My grandmother is an undiagnosed bipolar sufferer, and in turn, she is also untreated and not medicated obviously. When I was young, I didn’t know how to take her mood swings and other behavior, I wasn’t strong enough, and it broke me.

I hid my problems for a long time.. over 25 years.. I just bit my lip and dealt with it because I was petrified of what I’d seen and heard about the nightmares of psychiatric care. When I finally snapped, I was ordered to see a state funded doctor through one of the few state programs that’s in this area for mental illness.

Over the course of the last 12 years, I’ve yet to have a single psychiatrist or psychologist agree on what they believe the diagnosis to be. Without having an actual diagnosis, I can’t be treated, and without treatment for a known condition I’m not eligible for any other form of government assistance like Medicaid or disability.

So I’m unemployed because I can’t work. The government doesn’t acknowledge the problems I have working around people, and won’t help me to get better psychiatric assistance.

Because I have no income, I’m forced to live in the tiny, secluded, rural town that I was raised in, and I’m having to live with the same abusive grandmother who screwed me up when I was a child. She’s even worse now that she’s become older and she’s much meaner thanks to senility.

About 18 month ago, I traveled halfway across the country because I’d never seen the beach before and decided I was going to watch the sunset over the water and then pull the trigger on my 380 just as the sun began to indirectly illuminate the buildings and beach.. I decided not to last minute. It wasn’t a matter of chickening out. I was actually extremely calm with the barrel in my mouth. I just still didn’t have my answer and couldn’t shake the idea, “I’m halfway across the country.. maybe doctors here could help,” but they didn’t.. they only added to the pool of possibilities for a diagnosis.

I live off the leftovers of her measly social security checks…which I’m thankful I have a roof over my head, and she’s willing to do that. Unfortunately, I pay for it in the form of emotional abuse and torment. She goes out of her way to constantly belittle me, everything I do, everything I’ve done, and everything I’ve tried. If I had any part of it, it doesn’t matter what it is, it is either wrong or not good enough for her. She often threatens to kick me out any time she misunderstands my tone, and even more often she’ll become angry, purposely spend her entire check forcing me to live with nothing for the next month. My favorite part of that process is when her mood changes 30 minutes later and she’s apologizing for something that is already done and can’t be changed.

I know what every single one of you are thinking.. “Well.. considering you’re almost 40 years old.. move out of your grandmother’s house, loser….” I would if I could. This tiny town has absolutely nothing as far as resources go.. we don’t even qualify for a McDonalds or Walmart.. the nearest town that even offers any kind of helpful services if I was to just leave and strike out homeless is over 70 miles away.. so not really an option. And no, there is no public transportation, Uber, Lyft, or anything else I could try and get a ride from.

So let’s step away from my history of mental illness and suicide ideation. Let’s take a look at the all of the other things I’ve got going for me.

I’ve been fat my entire life. A few years ago I actually decided I was tired of it, and lost the weight (over 100lb). Since then, I’ve gained it all back plus extra, so I’m fat again.

My mother’s / grandmother’s side of the family all have bad teeth thanks to genetics. Mine are the worst of the bunch, as they’ve already rotted and mostly broken out. I have no front teeth, and because it’s going to cost $10k to fix them and get dentures.. I’ve never even owned a vehicle worth $10k.. so coming up with that amount of money is NEVER going to happen for me, and I’m never going to be able to smile, or even open my mouth or talk in public because I’m so self conscious about it.

I’ve been shaving my head since my mid-late twenties thanks to OTHER bad genetics causing early baldness.

So.. I’m an unemployed, living at home, fat, bald, toothless, 37 year old loser.

I surf these subreddits quite a bit. I have to say.. I know its common ground for people in my position, as well as the others posting, to think or say “You don’t understand.. you don’t know what my life is like..” etc etc etc..

You know what? That statement is absolutely correct.. Unfortunately, I see so many people on that subreddit, usually people in their teens and early twenties, who are talking about wanting to die and being a failure for reasons that DON’T MEAN ANYTHING..

I swear, I’m not even going to offer helpful advice to some of these people anymore.. If I have to read some 16 year old talking about wanting to die because they only have one or two friends, and their girlfriend/boyfriend just dumped them, OR they WISH they had one but can’t get one…

I read another where a young man in his twenties wanted to kill himself because he was going bald.. at the same age I went bald, and in the same way..

My point being, that instead of actually giving the same useless advice they’re not going to listen to anyway because its the same thing you can read in any Tony Robbins book, I’m going to tell them like it is, everything I live through, how long I’ve lived with it and through it..

Instead of padding their shoulders and telling them it’ll be just fine.. I’ll send them my summary, or a link to this entry, and simply say, “You really think you have it that bad?? How about you read what I’ve lived with and through, and gain some goddamn perspective about the fact that I’ve had a worse life, usually twice as long as they’ve been alive, and regardless of wanting to die, if I haven’t pulled the trigger yet (regardless of how much I feel I should just go ahead and do it)..I haven’t yet..

So if reading that applies to you and you’re offended thinking I’m wrong.. shut the fuck up and give your balls a tug. Most of you haven’t even been alive long enough to truly know what its like to live in hell, wishing for death. A lot of you are closer to being alive in your parent’s basement because you’re barely old enough to drive, wishing for attention. Don’t like that assertion?? Good thing one of the many diagnosis possibilities is psychopathy and I honestly couldn’t give a flying shit less what you think or say, much less whether you decide to kill yourself or not..